Top 50 Mistakes Women Make During Sex (1-10)

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using random magazines as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

The Sport of Kings

It's that time of year again. There's nothing better than being out on a golf course on a beautiful day, driving around in a golf cart, drinking a few cold ones and golfing a round with friends. Since I work out of town, I have to squeeze a round in whenever I can on my days off. This year I vow to get out every set of days off, even if it's only to the driving range. So if you're reading this and you like to golf, let me know so that I can put you on my list of people to golf with. I prefer to do it on a saturday morning so that I still have sat night to enjoy and sunday to relax. I'll leave you with this pictue of Natalie Gulbis, one of the top LPGA pros. I sure wouldn't mind hitting one into her bunker.

Top Ten Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey)

1) Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

2) If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

3) Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

4) Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

5) The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

6) If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

7) Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

8) The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

9) I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

10) Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Another Top Ten List

My last blog entry gave me probably the coolest idea I have ever come up with. Those of you that know me, know that I come up with some great ideas (and some not-so-great ideas). This one combines two of my favorite things: Top Ten Lists and pictures of Sandy. There were a few thoughts that came to mind while compiling the pictures you're about to enjoy. The first was "wow I have a lot of pictures of Sandy", which kind of made me feel like a loser because I spend too much time downloading pictures of an internet girl, albeit a smoking hot one. But, I figure everyone has something. Newman and Tapper have alcohol, Jason Lee has cigarettes, and I have Sandy. It was very difficult to choose the top ten because there are so many great pictures, however I feel that I have chosen the best ones based on my own personal taste. Some of them you may have seen previously in my blog, others are new. Anyway, here is my Top Ten List of Favorite Sandy Pictures (in no particular order). Enjoy.

It's Been A While

I'm a big fan of top ten lists. I always have been, I always will be. As a matter of fact, if I were to list my top ten forms of writing, top ten lists would be in the top ten. Therefore, I present to you the reader: my top ten list of favorite phrases and sayings I have heard in the last 5 months.
1) "Randy "Macho Man" Savage is from the maritimes." - This was said by "Awesome" Jimmy Dawson, an electrician and former pro wrestler from PEI. I refuted this statement, as I happen to know that Macho Man is from Florida, however, the discussion got heated and I relented. Henceforth, Macho Man is from the Maritimes.
2) "If you don't mind too terribly, I'm gonna kill one of you cocksuckers." - This was said by "Murder", one of the many colorful people I met while I was on vacation. This was his "catchphrase". This made me think that maybe I could benefit from a catchphrase of my own.
3) "You got a head on you like a bucket of ski-doo parts." - This was said by Sean Horvath, my roommate while in jail. This was one of his many insults, several of which will appear on this list.
4) "I'll hit you with so many combinations, you'll think you're a safe." - This was said by Sean Horvath while threatening somebody at the dinner table.
5) "It looks like somebody set your face on fire and put it out with a chain." - This was said by Sean Horvath, probably while playing cards, as this was one of his favorite activities.
6) "I'm never smoking crack again" - This was said by so many people, it would be impossible to document them all. This is one of my personal favorites because it was always said with a straight face.
7) "As soon as I get out, I'm gonna smoke a big fucking bowl." - This was said by so many people, it would be impossible to document them all. I also like this one because I appreciate the honesty and ambition.
8) "I'm never coming back to this fucking place." - This was said by pretty much everyone in jail, myself included. It was especially entertaining coming from Sean Horvath, who has spent 6 of the past 7 years behind jail on and off. This is the last of the three jail vows I encountered.
9) "On the outside, I drive a Ford Escalade" - I don't remember who said this, although it was more than one person. These same people can't even come up with enough money in jail to buy a few coffees.
10) "I'll give you so many rights, you'll think you're a treaty indian." - This was said by Sean Horvath while threatening somebody at work in the potato shack.
This list is not meant to be all-inclusive. If you've been around me when I've been drunk recently, I've probably hit you with one of these. And, even though it has nothing to do with my list, here's a picture of Sandy.
God I missed her.

A change of pace

It seems that most of my recent blog entries have either been moping and complaining about Ft McMurray or teaching Newman a well-needed lesson about sharks etc. I thought that maybe everyone might better enjoy a topic that is more exciting and certain to evoke thought. A topic that will have people talking around the water cooler and losing sleep. What is this topic you ask? Me, what else? Without further ado I present "A Collection of Anecdotes About Cory"

1) When I was 5 my parents decided to pave a driveway. Before the concrete could be poured, a foundation had to be made. That meant dirt and sand, which to a 5 year old was pretty sweet. I invited all the neighbourhood kids over to play. During the excitement I got a bit out of hand and began swearing like a truck driver, showing off to my friends of course. My mom heard me and we'll just say she wasn't impressed with my recent mastery of the english language. What my mom didn't know was that I was saying "fug" which is perfectly fine. She didn't believe me and my protests fell on deaf ears. Fuggin bullshit if you ask me.

2) When I was about 9 my parents participated in a fund raiser for church. They brought in cases and cases of apples and stored them in our garage. People would buy the apples which were marked up and profit was made etc, etc. You probably understand basic buying and selling. Anyway my parents stored the money in a coffee can in the kitchen (I'm sure you know where this story is going), and I got the idea that I could "borrow" some in order to buy porno mags from my friend who I believe was selling his brother's collection. After making the purchase, I stashed the magazines in one of my dresser drawers. Of course my parents discovered the missing money and they decided to search for it. Where do you think they looked? That's right, and they took my fucking magazines. My dad probably still has them, I mean you don't throw shit like that away. Needless to say I didn't learn my lesson.

3) When I was in grade 6, I had a girlfriend named Sandy (foreshadowing perhaps?) and a friend named Jason. At the end of the school year we took a class field trip to the roller rink (yes I'm that old). Before the trip, all the boys would go around making sure that they had a girl that they could hold hands with whilst roller skating. I of course had Sandy, or so I thought. My cad of a friend Jason decided that he wanted Sandy for himself. Unfortunately Sandy liked Jason too. What a tramp. She had been my girlfriend for over a month. I went and watched her shitty softball games and this was the thanks I got. To top it all off, I didn't have enough time to find another girl to roller skate with. I was alone. Well not totally alone, I hung out with the other losers that didn't have girlfriends. Hopefully my pain and suffering wasn't for naught. The lesson that I learned is this: never trust your friends.

I hope after reading my stories, that you the reader are a little more patient with me in the future. Now you have an idea what I've gone through in my life. My experiences have made me the person I am today and hopefully I've earned your respect if not your servitude.

Put your hands where I can see them

I think Ft. McMurray is starting to take it's evil toll on me. When I ride the bus down to the plant site in the morning, I feel like I'm being taken to hell. It's pitch black in the morning other than the strange orange glow emitted by the plant lights, and when you see all the billowing smoke and towering flare stacks belching out 30 foot flames, you can't help but think "Yepp, I'm in hell". It won't be long now before I'll ride to and from work in total darkness. The bitter cold wind will be my nemesis.

Luckily I have this picture of Sandy to keep me warm, and let me tell you, I think this is my favorite one yet. Everybody likes a nice bum and I'm no exception. How would you like to wake up to that every morning? I know I would. Tomorrow I return home. Who knows what the weekend has in store for me? Will there be wacky shenanigans? Will there be ridanqulous adventures? Tune in next time and find out.